I had a rather abrupt realization the other day. I love being single.
The thing about healing after heartbreak is that it isn’t a binary state — one day you’re sad, the next day happy. No, each day is an incremental journey towards the other side, towards acceptance and integration. Some days you slide a little, but there comes a day when you realize you’re in new territory.
For me it came with the epiphany that it is liberating not having to answer to anyone but myself. A relationship, after all, is a constant negotiation between the wants and needs of two people for better or for worse. And I’m not knockin’ relationships when I say this, but it can get tiring. I’m beginning to realize how much of my energy was exerted, disproportionately so, in tending to the fickle emotional needs of K.
Here I am, single. Captain of my own ship. It is a glorious thing to experience.
This realization also came not too long after putting my profile up on OK Cupid, an online dating site. I had been having an off day, feeling down about how things worked out, so I poured myself a glass of wine and updated my profile. I felt vulnerable doing so and questioned why I was doing it when my heart wasn’t 100% into it. For me, online dating has been, well, there’s no polite way to say it . . . a shit show. The mere thought of going through the song and dance again made my insides cringe. Is this what I wanted? To get in another relationship? Uh . . . .
So maybe online dating will be a not so serious diversion. Everything in its own time. But when I am ready to date, here’s my wishlist in no specific order. This or something better.
• Equitable partnership
• 30 ish to 40 ish
• Can cook well
• Will clean
• World traveler or keen to be
• Lives in NYC, preferably Brooklyn
• Knows what she wants
• Shared spiritual values
• Nice rack (hey, since we’re being honest here)
• Has some polish to her
• Treats me with the respect I deserve
• Childless by choice
• Good kisser
• Good listener
• Takes care of herself
• Likes a curvy woman
• Non smoker
• Drug free
• Well adjusted
• Has shit reasonably together
• Lives alone
• Likes animals
• Likes my friends and likes to spend time with them and vice versa
• Actively working towards goals both personal and career
• Quick minded, can keep up with me
• Environmentally conscious
• Physically and emotionally present
• Bon vivant
• Emotionally mature
• Sex goddess (again, let’s be honest)
• Conscientious omnivore
• Respects boundaries
• Reasonably empathic
• My biggest advocate
• Gainfully employed
• Wants to stay in New York or keep base here
• Likes a good cocktail and dessert wine
• Respects the needs of the relationship
Call it a 2011 version of this, although perhaps a little less intense?