I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately. Big, soul searching thoughts. In many ways it wasn’t until K moved out in early December that I was able to move on, to grieve, and go through an emotional process that was otherwise delayed.
I’m not going to lie — it’s been tough. Just when I begin to think I’m gaining on new ground, I cycle back into the grief that claws at my heart and forces me to take a hard look at reality. Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going. Just your normal existential crap.
Bear with me, reader. As much as it pains me to wallow, wallow I must. For now.
But here’s the thing. In this very uncomfortable emotional state, there is information — information that helps me understand who I am at a deeper level and understand the choices that lay before me.
I had a turning point a few weeks ago. I was at work, caught up in my own thoughts, and it hit me — I saw the Void. In my mind’s eye I saw the space that had previously been occupied by K. I had spent months avoiding it, like a ghost caught up in the movements of a life long gone, but there it was. Unmistakable. How could I have not seen it? I even gasped. Oh my god, how could I have not seen it? What’s more is that I realized that the Void has been with me much longer.
My adult life has been an exercise in filling the Void. Food. Sex. Alcohol. Relationships. Friendships. Work. Bullshit. K. I threw all of this into the Void, hoping to fill it up, patching up a hole whose origins I still do not know. Is it ancestral? Is it just the nature of being human? Is it karmic? Is it because I was never close to my family so I spent so many years trying to approximate what I felt I lacked psychologically and physically? These are questions still yet to be answered.
So here I am with the Void. It is vast. And at its core is this aching need to feel connected, to feel supported, and to be loved unconditionally. I am on a quest to find my root, my true family — my soul family. In K’s departure I realized something that I’ve been searching for as long as I can remember. Moving to New York, on one level, was an attempt to fill the Void after a breakup. Operation Find the Lesbians was another example. There are more, I realize, when I give myself time to reflect.
Now that I’ve identified a core issue, what do I do?
I’ve realized in the past that my attempts to fill the Void have been less thoughtful, more impulsive. This time I want to be more considerate, not fill the Void, but shape it, heal it. Do I put myself out there and make new friends? Date? Connect with like minded individuals?
Part of me, impractically, wants to get a puppy a just be done with it. A puppy with fill the Void! The other part of me wants to throw myself into my work and career. But I realize, with all my maturity, that these are fleeting solutions. I’ll admit that a current ill conceived panacea is French romantic comedies of varying quality, sparkling wine with a splash of Chamboard, pâté, and Arvo Pärt’s Fratres.
But in all seriousness, I’m grasping at quality things to fill the Void with. Cooking classes at Ger-Nis in Park Slope? Learn a new language? Take a class in another fun topic? Write a novel. Read all the classics I’ve been meaning to read? Jane Austen??
I’m still trying to figure it all out. Until then, the mind rambles and the heart searches for a next step.