The Void

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately. Big, soul searching thoughts. In many ways it wasn’t until K moved out in early December that I was able to move on, to grieve, and go through an emotional process that was otherwise delayed.

I’m not going to lie — it’s been tough. Just when I begin to think I’m gaining on new ground, I cycle back into the grief that claws at my heart and forces me to take a hard look at reality. Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going. Just your normal existential crap.

Bear with me, reader. As much as it pains me to wallow, wallow I must. For now. Continue reading

Equinox

In the month since I last wrote, I’ve been adjusting to my new routine of separateness. On one hand I relish waking up alone, stretching out under the covers, or simple things like home-cooked meals that no longer require extensive negotiation. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my freedom. But on the other hand I miss having the physical presence of someone close, the intimate moments and language that only a couple can have, and, yes, I miss waking up next to the person I love.

K is still around and still living with me, but our time together is abbreviated. Two or three nights a week she’s out with Jess and sleeps over her place, the other nights she’s either at home with me or I’m out or she’s working late at her second job. For now this arrangement works, giving us ample room to carve out new lives. I’m not angry or resentful, just eager to be in a space that feels less transitional, yet anxious about what that life will look like. Continue reading

Post Mortem

It recently struck me that I had planned to have this nice leisurely summer. I even turned down freelance work so I would not be overburdened or stressed by deadlines. I planned to set aside room for my goals and dreams, even saving space for beach trips, swimming, and frozen cocktails. But, as things are want to do, the demise of my relationship filled the space instead.

Good thing I cleared my schedule.

I’m a faithful believer in divine timing. Call it fate, call it the script of life, but everything happens in its own time — even breakups. To have forced a different outcome would have delayed the inevitable, causing myself and K avoidable emotional agony. If you needed a reason as to why I walked away from a four year relationship, it’s that. If you wondered why I didn’t fight more, it’s because I had fought enough. It was time to move on. Continue reading